The Coffee Shop Panic Attack
The smell of fresh coffee beans filled Evie’s nostrils as she tapped her fingers against the sticky table top. I’m okay, she reminded herself. There was no reason for her not to be okay. That morning she had made the brave decision to confront one of her anxieties — having a coffee out. Well, technically, she’d been forced to confront her anxiety. It wasn’t the coffee that made Evie anxious; it was the sitting in a crowded cafe. There was something about being surrounded by people that made Evie feel trapped — and that feeling only fed her anxiety. It was a vicious cycle that left Evie feeling as though her entire world was caving in on her.
Frustration had built inside of her that morning. The simple act of making a cup of coffee had turned into a nightmare when the kettle broke. She then dropped her favourite mug, and the final straw was when she realised the coffee tin was empty. Evie needed her caffeine fix before she could get on with her day, and so she had decided to be a normal person for a change. Normal people went out and had coffee. Normal people even sat down in a cafe to drink their coffee. Today Evie Taylor would be a normal person.
However, being normal was quite a challenge when anxiety had its wicked ways coiled around you, holding you back until you became a shell of the person you once were. With false confidence, Evie queued up and ordered her coffee — a rare treat of a hazelnut latte. When asked whether it was to take away or to have in, she surprised herself.
“To have in, please.” As the words left her mouth, the anxiety within her flared up. How dare she defy it and do something for herself? The barista had nodded and turned around to make the drink, not realising what a huge step forward this was for Evie.
“Is this seat taken?” Evie was briefly interrupted from her musing by a harassed-looking mother who needed an extra seat for one of her children.
“Take it.” Evie smiled back at her, before realising she hadn’t actually answered the woman’s question. Instead, she had barked an order at her. The woman smiled and took the seat whilst Evie mentally chastised herself for being so awkward. That was what anxiety did to you. It made you second guess everything you ever did.
Evie took a deep breath. What was it the psychologist had told her to do? That was it. She had to concentrate on her five senses. She could smell the hazelnut latte wafting up from the table below. The nutty aroma mixed with the bitter edge of coffee. She could see the creamy foam on a cappuccino the man beside her was drinking. The little bubbles of foam bobbed up and down as he lifted the cup to his mouth. Foam soaked his moustache. She could hear the general buzz of conversation in the coffee shop. A group of teenagers were planning their end of term party. She touched the sticky top of the table in front of her. She could definitely feel the layer of sugar that coated it, rough against her fingertips. Finally, Evie took a sip from her coffee. It tasted delicious. Rich coffee beans and creamy, frothy milk, with a hit of hazelnut at the end of each sip. That was it, she’d covered all five senses. Did she feel better? No. Evie still felt overwhelmed, only now she was even more aware of those around her.
Perhaps she should just give up, walk out of the shop and give up on being normal. It was tempting, incredibly tempting, but Evie knew she couldn’t do it. The worst thing she could do would be to let the anxiety win. This time Evie tried to concentrate on her breathing, in through the nose and slightly longer breaths out through the mouth. For a few seconds, that rising panic within her seemed to quieten. She no longer felt a heavy weight on her chest, as if she were suffocating.
Enjoying the lull in her anxiety, Evie picked up her coffee cup. It slipped slightly in her clammy hands, but she saved it before sloshing coffee everywhere. For a brief moment, Evie felt happy. She had done it; she was here sat in a coffee shop enjoying her drink! Evie Taylor was living in the moment.
Unfortunately, anxiety didn’t give up that easily. Once Evie had returned the cup back to its saucer, the familiar feelings stirred within her. The noises around her became overwhelming, and she felt the room spin around her. Tears filled her eyes as she lost what little control she had gained in the last few moments. Evie had only been served her drink ten minutes ago, but she already felt like days had passed. She’d battled endless wars with her brain in those short ten minutes, and she was feeling exhausted. With a last glance towards her cup of coffee, she decided to leave. A cup of coffee wasn’t worth the stress of a panic attack.
With trembling hands, Evie picked her bag up from the floor beside her and almost ran for the door. A part of her wanted to clamp her hands over her ears as she ran, starving off the overly loud voices of her fellow caffeine addicts. Evie could sense every pair of eyes on her as she dashed to the door, all wondering why she had left her half-drunk cup of coffee on the table.
It was with a sigh of relief that Evie pulled open the door to the cafe and felt the cool September air wash over her. It was a busy Saturday morning in town, and Evie felt as though all eyes were on her, watching her succumb to a panic attack. Slowly she made her way round to the side of the building, away from all the people. After a few moments, the trapped feeling from inside the coffee shop eased and she could breathe normally again. Her heart was still pounding in her chest and her entire body was trembling from the adrenaline which was coursing through her. That was okay, though. Evie could cope with those aspects of the panic attack. Now she was out in the open air the suffocating feeling had vanished, and she felt able to get herself home.
…
Once home, Evie pulled on her pyjamas, despite it only being midday. She was feeling sorry for herself and angry at the same time — she had let herself down by not staying in the coffee shop to finish her drink. The adrenaline was wearing off, and she could feel the familiar pounding headache creeping up on her. She would have to take it easy for the next day or so, as the physical effects of the panic attack took their toll. Evie would feel emotionally fragile, exhausted and generally unwell for the next couple of days.
With a box of tissues, Evie went online to order a new kettle and some coffee. Both would be delivered tomorrow, and for the time being, she would avoid caffeine.
Perhaps one day soon she would feel brave enough to go back into that coffee shop and try again.
